she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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