I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
