Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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