got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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