Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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