Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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