Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
