wake up i wanna do it froggy style
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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