My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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