This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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