too bad you live with your parents still
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
