I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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