nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
