Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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