I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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