My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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