When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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