I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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