YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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