If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When are your genitals available?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
