On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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