I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
