Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
