so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
