I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
