Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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