It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
