My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
