I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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