Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
