dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize