saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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