They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
