I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
