I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
