the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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