My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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