I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
