You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you will always have a special place in my vag
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
