I can text with my tongue
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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