Someone shit on the floor
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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