Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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