i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
