My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
