I CAN MOONWALK!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
