you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
