Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
