btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
