Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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