you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
